Voting is over! The results are here! The prizes are, erm, I'll worry about that later. It's the...
comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games Competition 2004
comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games Competition 2004

http://www.speccyspoilers.co.uk/cgc2004/



These were the few simple RULES...

1 - All games submitted to the CSSCGC should be CRAP! Although "crap" is a fairly loose definition, this is not the place to promote any of your games that you are proud of, so don't go submitting me a good game pretending it's crap and then start relentlessly plugging the game on your own websites, forums and newsgroups and even in Retro Gamer as if it's the best thing since sliced bread. (You know who you are!)

2 - You may not enter any game that you have previously had published anywhere else, or have entered into any other Spectrum/ZX81/ZX80 game competition, such as the 4K Minigame competition.

3 - From now on, absolutely NO bugfixes/updates to already-submitted games will be accepted. Once a game has been submitted to the CSSCGC, you cannot then send me an "improved" version (as too many of you have been doing so far) as this is entirely missing the point of a CRAP game competition in the first place! If you think you may want to make changes to your game, then do them BEFORE emailing your entry to me. (Yes I know I've been far too kind and let some people break this rule before, but no more Mr Nice Guy!).

4 - Please either submit Spectrum games as .TAP tape or .Z80 snapshot files. You may also submit .TZX tape files but, if possible, please include a Z80 snapshot of the game as well, for the sake of all those poor people with older emulators that can't load TZX.

5 - You may also include loading screens as .SCR files with your game too if you wish.

6 - Accompanying text instructions should be sent as plain .TXT format - you can send Mac-unfriendly Microsoft nonsense like .DOC or .RTF files if you find that convenient but they will be converted to plain text, or to a graphic file format if they contain images.

7 - You can also send graphic files of an inlay sleeve or whatever else you wish to include if you want to - as .JPG or .GIF preferably, although I can convert most graphic files OK anyway. Please keep these under 1MB in filesize.

8 - ZX81 entries should be preferably saved as .P or .81 format, as I think most ZX81 emulators handle these OK. If you really can't convert to these file formats then send me what you've got and I'll see what I can do.

9 - ZX80 entries must be saved as .O format. Like it or lump it!

10 - Final closing date for entries for the CSSCGC 2004 was midnight, 31st January, 2005. Voting ended at midnight, 27th February, 2005.

11 - Just to clarify, for those that haven't noticed already, you were allowed to enter more than one game if you so wished.

12 - I will add more rules (and adjust existing ones) as and when I feel like it (although now it's all over I am unlikely to bother doing so).



Here are the competition RESULTS...

A massive incredible total of 164 votes were received during February, via a really crappy insecure poll.
Note that the winning game ('Falling') surely only won because I stupidly didn't put a blank option at the top of the poll's drop-down selection box, so a few people would've hit the VOTE button accidentally before selecting their favourite game from the list (and thus voting for Falling by default)! Ah well, that's democracy for ya...

Congratulations to all the winners! I shall deal with prizes later. In the meantime, just go revel in your superior crapness!


Coloured stars have been awarded to the most popular crap games to indicate ranking, as follows...


Gold Star!!! Gold --- 1st --- ZX Spectrum #01 --- Falling (12 votes)
Silver Star!! Silver --- 2nd --- ZX Spectrum #23 --- Randventure (10 votes)
Bronze Star! Bronze --- Joint 3rd --- ZX Spectrum #16 ---
ZX Spectrum #26 ---
Novotron 8
Crap Castle Master
(8 votes)
Blue Star Blue --- 5th --- ZX Spectrum #41 --- 4K Race (48K Version) (7 votes)
Green Star Green --- Joint 6th --- ZX Spectrum #50 ---
ZX Spectrum #59 ---
Pepe Pixels Vs The Evil Lakatrons
Streakapong
(6 votes)
Purple Star Purple --- 8th --- ZX Spectrum #14 --- Jump! (5 votes)
Red Star Red --- Joint 9th --- ZX Spectrum #03 ---
ZX Spectrum #10 ---
ZX Spectrum #11 ---
ZX Spectrum #20 ---
The Homestar Runner
Phew! What A Pong
Blind Simon
Sir Clive Sinclair's Cake Challenge
(4 votes)



There now follows downloads and reviews for all the
CRAP GAMES...

Click here to download all 69 crap games in one handy zip archive (575k)
or click on the screenshots below to download games individually.




Actual Spectrum Screenshots!!!

__
Reviews, Criticism, Comments...


Falling - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Falling.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #01
Entry date: 13 April 2004
Ranking: 1st (12 votes)
Gold Star!!!


Falling

by Paul Equinox Collins

Ever wondered what Splat (by Incentive) would be like on the ZX81? Now imagine it with colours and beeps too!!! Unfortunately, this is in fact a Spectrum game and won't work on the ZX81.

Naturally, no instructions were provided with this game, so I suppose I better point out that you can only move left (press O) or right (press P). Guide your 'falling' asterix and avoid the red blocks and eat the yellow O's (the author has now pointed out that these are in fact coins - so why didn't you just make them LOOK like coins then, Mr Collins, hmmm?). After about five seconds, the game difficulty increases somewhat when it becomes apparant that you have to also avoid the white blocks - this makes the game a bit tricky and extremely unaddictive!

When the game ends, the program STOPs. RUN will not work (remarkable protection code here). If you decide you want to play again, simply reset your emulator and load the game again.



Spot The Dot - screenshot

DOWNLOAD SpotTheDot.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #02
Entry date: 13 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)



Spot The Dot

by Andrew 'Spike' Halliwell

Pixel-perfect eyesight is required to the max with this tedious little number. Use the keys Q,A,O,P to move your dot and find another dot (rock?) hidden amongst hundreds of other dots. When you have positioned your dot correctly (which will take you a few attempts due to the screen not actually showing you positioned where you are actually positioned when you are correctly positioned), press M and you will be informed whether or not you have succeeded in your quest.

Keeping with the usual highly-original crap game tradition, the game makes hilarious use of the STOP statement at the end of the game. Luckily, you can just RUN this game to play it again - what a relief, eh?!



The Homestar Runner - screenshots

DOWNLOAD TheHomestarRunner.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #03
Entry date: 16 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 9th (4 votes)
Red Star


The Homestar Runner

by Matt 'Jam' Lee

The author claims this is his first attempt at programming (on the Spectrum, that is) - a standard excuse for the CGC, but that's no excuse for not bug-testing the game first before releasing it! After two pointless loading screens, the game starts. Approximately one second later, the game ends. This is due to line 162 in the BASIC code being unlike anything that resembles BASIC. Absolute crap. Well done, Jam!

(Seven hours later...) Ah, it seems the problem can be solved if the game is loaded in 128K mode. The corrupt line was due to a single (pointless) 128K BASIC-only PLAY command, which didn't translate too well when loaded on a 48K Speccy! Considering the line just produces a few tuneless beeps, perhaps the BEEP command would've sufficed in this instance, Jam? An excellent example of crap inefficient programming.

Having solved that problem, I soon found that it wasn't worth the bother. The game is utter bilge - you can't even lose a life (or "man") so what's the point in having 3 of them? Tsk.

Nice inlay plugging The Homestar Runner website though (which is well worth a look, as long as you have Flash installed).

The Homestar Runner - inlay



Etch-a-sketch Simulator - screenshot

DOWNLOAD EtchASketchSimulator.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #04
Entry date: 16 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Etch-a-sketch Simulator

by Peter Murray

Nooooooo, not yet another Etch-a-sketch Simulator for the Speccy, please God, nooooo. I just can't handle the originality! Oh, and the author claims "its crap, and even more crap cause its the first program I have wrote for the spectrum in over 10 years" - pah, excuses excuses!

One splendid undocumented feature is that, by pressing W or E, you can cause numbers (the X and Y co-ordinates, as it happens) to be displayed down the left of the screen. Very, erm, useful for... something? (The author says this was included for "debugging" purposes but he forgot to remove the lines of code afterwards - tchoh!)



Crap Bot Version 1.0 - screenshot

DOWNLOAD CrapBotVersion1.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #05
Entry date: 16 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Crap Bot Version 1.0

by Rasmus Palbo Nielsen

Yet another pathetically unoriginal "idea" (see most previous CSSCGCs for similar). Yes, as you've probably guessed, it's just a Bot which, surprise surprise, is Crap. A quick check through the listing reveals that it will simply respond with random indifferent comments, whatever you input. Ho hum.

Half the listing is taken up with REM statements plugging the author's website. It probably took him longer to type that advert than it did to type the rest of the code. Cynical? Moi? Yes.



Lightening - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Lightning.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #06
Entry date: 16 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)



Lightning

by Doug 'DarkHalf' Barry

Guide your smiling ghost left and right to catch the falling televisions, as you do. And if that's not enough, you also have to dodge the streaks of 'lightning' that come hurtling down at the same speed as the televisions, which is, erm, not very fast at all actually. Oh dear.

Every time the lightning hits the ground, the screen slowly refreshes and the border flashes. I have no idea why. When you touch the edge of the screen, your controls are reversed. I have no idea why. After about twelve seconds play, I had seen it all and reset. I know why. Because it's boring. Boring. Boring. And crap.



Ladeks - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Ladeks.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #07
Entry date: 26 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)



Ladeks

by Lee 'Blood' Tonks

The founder of the CSSCGC returns with a vengeance, brandishing a game demonstrating the fine art of crapness! It has a great loading screen, a professional looking title page with options to select from, and it even comes with a bloated instructions text file that explains important things like how to load the game (and how to turn it off) and even explains that it is Freeware (no, really?).

I was worried that this was going to be another Crap Invaders (far too good for the CGC) but I'm pleased to say that the game itself is total unoriginal, unplayable crap with UDGs galore. Phew.



Advanced Telcom Cracker Simulator Delux - screenshot

DOWNLOAD AdvancedTelcomCrackerSimDel.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #08
Entry date: 26 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)



Advanced Telcom Cracker Simulator Delux

by Andrew 'Spike' Halliwell

Another throwaway effort from Spike that he knocked up in a rare ten-minute break from Linux and BBC7. You have to guess the login and password and crack the system. You get no clues, so you can't win. Unless you simply press BREAK and type GOTO 2000, that is. Hooray, I win!

I wouldn't even bother downloading this one, folks.



Pongventure - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Pongventure.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #09
Entry date: 26 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Pongventure

by Graham Lee

Here's another astoundingly original idea - make a text adventure game based on an arcade game! And make it a game with only two commands available (U for "up" is one of them, I've forgotten the other one...)

As you can see, it looks rather similar to Spike's effort above - I suppose it would be too much to ask to change the paper and ink colours? Sigh, thought so.



Phew! What A Pong - screenshots

DOWNLOAD PhewWhatAPong.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #10
Entry date: 26 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 9th (4 votes)
Red Star


Phew! What A Pong

by Graham Lee

Ah, this is more like it! A great idea, it's almost 3D! It even has a separate title screen this time!

Unfortunately, the idea is somewhat better than the reality. Terrible slow keyboard response raises the unplayability factor to the max! The game (and the program) ends after you've lost the first point. And if you win the first point? Erm, actually you can't win at all, due to the computer-controlled player following the path of the ball perfectly. A complete scam/sham!



Blind Simon - screenshots

DOWNLOAD BlindSimon.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #11
Entry date: 26 April 2004
Ranking: Joint 9th (4 votes)
Red Star


Blind Simon

by Derek Jolly

Another fine entry from Mr. Jolly, the master of the minimal (in a crap way)!

It's a guess-what-key-each-sound-represents game and is half-based on that classic 70s electronic game called "Fred". Or was it "Brian"? Erm... anyway, as usual you cannot win because, unlike in the original game, the sequence builds up indefinately, forever. And there's no graphics whatsoever either. So there's very little point in playing it - NEXT!!!



Fisherman's Passions - screenshots

DOWNLOAD FishermansPassions.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #12
Entry date: 17 May 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Fisherman's Passions

by Ventzislav Tzvetkov

Hoorah! A fishing simulator that hasn't been titled Advanced Fishing Simulator (such innovation!) - this is just as well actually, 'cos it isn't very advanced at all, of course.

Oh well, at least the controls are easy to remember. The same can't be said of the names of the fish that you can catch - most strange. Top tip: Don't be greedy with the goldfish!

Gah, look, he's plugging his website too - but I warn you, it's got more evil pop-ups than Pop-up Pirate so click that link at your peril! If your browser doesn't crash and you can find the actual website amongst the endless mass of pop-ups, you are informed that the website has been optimised for low bandwidth. Ha ha ha ha - good one!



ZX Cart - screenshots

DOWNLOAD ZXCart.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #13
Entry date: 17 May 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



ZX Cart

by Chris Thomson

A scrolly with spelling mistakes galore, not a good start. This is usually an indication that the author is trying to disguise a far-too-good game as a crap one by intentionally making the front-end look superficially crap.

However, I was delighted to find that the actual "game" is abysmal. You can move your cart left and right using the O and P keys. You can also (randomly) adjust your speed by using the Z and X keys. After a second or two, you crash and die, even if your speed is zero. There isn't anything visible to crash into, and your cart doesn't actually appear to be moving, even when it is. So it's a cheating pile of crap. Bravo!

Looks like Chris just couldn't find the time to include some instructions, yet somehow found the time to produce a really helpful .bmp graphic file of the listing for us all to study. Erm, thanks...

Eh? Whassat? I've forgotten something? Oh alright, here's a link to yet another poxy website then, but hold onto your wallets because it's a commerical one flogging software services etc - I just hope that any potential customers don't come across ZX Cart! Tchoh, this CGC is turning into a bloody capitalist playground! Grumble...



Jump! - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Jump.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #14
Entry date: 17 May 2004
Ranking: 8th (5 votes)
Purple Star


Jump!

by Andy 'Monkey' Herbert

This is an almost perfect Speccy conversion of the little-known Atari VCS prototype cart "Skipping" which was programmed by Nolan Bushnell in 1975 (sic) during a lunchbreak. Only one copy of this cart is known to exist and I will be flogging it at eBay this Xmas.

No, I'm totally fibbing. But it does play like an Atari VCS game from 1975 (sic) so it's a nice thought. No instructions were included (nor title screen either it seems) but seeing as all you have to do is press any key to jump the skipping rope being swung by the two paddles from Pong (well, I like to think that), there are no need for any instructions. It's strikingly similar to Fisherman's Passions in that respect. This is the sort of in-depth gameplay that does the CGC proud!

Bonus marks for ridiculously complex and bloated BASIC code full of pokes, most of which deals with displaying the score. All in all, classic pointless drivel (the game, not my comments). But hey, at least the author hasn't promoted any websites in the code!

(Footnote to pedants: Yes, I know the Atari VCS wasn't released until 1977... yes, I know it's a crap joke too, sorry...)



Dash It! - screenshot

DOWNLOAD DashIt.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #15
Entry date: 01 June 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)



Dash It!

by Arjun Nair

The instructions for this game is full of complex phrases like "Space-Time continuum warp" and "ST fluctuations". Sounds complex, huh?

Don't worry, the game is just yet another totally simple and unoriginal pile of UDG-packed dung. All you have to do is move your "alien" about and pick up all the dots - sorry, I mean "quantum particles" - before your time runs out, whilst avoiding your own trail and the wall. Yep, it's nothing but a crap Snake/Tron Light-Cycles/Weasel Willy clone. Snore.

The game was programmed using Dunny's BASin utility. At first Arjun sent me a BASIC version with crap key response and virtually no sound. Then, just to confuse things, he inexplicably sent me a compiled machine code version, which as far as I can see is no different whatsoever (that is, the sound and the key response is still just as crap) - although he claims it's faster and more playable. Yeah, right.

Like most of the other contributors here, Arjun claims this is the first Spectrum game he's written for "10 odd years" and that he was helped by "lots of vodka" (i.e. he wrote this when he was pissed thinking it was a GOOD game). He's also plugging his website where he is now supposedly planning to host a NON-crap Speccy game competition. Quite how this is going to be any different from the OFFICIAL CSSCGC is unclear - I just hope he doesn't include pathetic trash like Dash It!...



Novotron 8 - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Novotron8.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #16
Entry date: 01 June 2004
Ranking: Joint 3rd (8 votes)
Bronze Star!


Novotron 8

by 'Philicorda'

Now this is a wonderfully GENUINELY crap game. What's great about it is that the author has clearly spent ages creating it, and yet it's an absolute travesty of the highest order! What on earth is going on in THIS??? It's like The Great Space Race all over again, but worse (yes, really)!

Philicorda explains it in a nutshell - "a kind of flight sim/text adventure/trading game, but not one as it does not really resemble anything. I started adding bits and it got worse. It's a bit like all those times where you had a tape to tape copy of a game, but no instructions..." - and by jove, he's not kidding! He also has such a terrible memory that he emailed me the game about three times, and he couldn't even remember the name of the game in the last email, saying it was titled "Novocon 8" - gah, make up your mind!

The in-game instructions refer to keyboard overlays and a novella, which of course have helpfully not been provided. Attempting to play it, I have no idea what's going on at all - one minute I'm giving a soldier an apple or smashing a bowl or something, the next I'm in space doing things I can't even begin to understand. This game is totally hatstand and a strong contender for the CSSCGC trophy this year, methinks - absolutely bloody awful! (Note: The author recommends you use 128K mode on your Speccy).



Happiness Is A Warm Gun - screenshots

DOWNLOAD HappinessIsAWarmGun.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #17
Entry date: 01 June 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Happiness Is A Warm Gun

by Adam Maxwell

Oh joy of joys - it's text adventure time! I haven't bothered to explore far yet so I'm not sure exactly how crap it is, but I have discovered a filthy toilet - what an incredible idea, how did you think of it, Adam? Perhaps by playing my Amazing Unofficial Radiohead Adventure from last year's CSSCGC (which also happens to be a text adventure with a poor vocabulary, pop-star references, begins in a house, has a dirty toilet in it, etc...) Grumble mumble - still, at least it gives me an excuse to shamelessly plug my game again though! Erm...

Adam's website is plugged repeatedly throughout the game. I haven't bothered to look at it yet though. Hee hee!

(UPDATE...) I've had a proper look at the author's site now - there's a map, hints, solution etc to be found there. I somehow suspect he didn't write this game with the CSSCGC in mind. The game itself isn't really all that crap, but it does have a few lazy typos and bugs in it, and the solution is stupid, so I'll allow it entry to the CSSCGC just this once (but it won't be allowed to win, ha!)...



Hide And Seek - screenshots

DOWNLOAD HideAndSeek.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #18
Entry date: 14 June 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Hide And Seek

by Chris Young

Another minimal one-joke effort from a CSSCGC veteran that should keep you interested for about 45 seconds (if you are slow at reading). No instructions included but there's no gameplay to speak of anyway so that's OK. It seems that you have to help George Bush find Osama bin Laden, who is hiding in a cave presumably - oh, such original satire! All the locations are the same and the caves are all the same too. And naturally, you can't win the game either - you will never find Osama (unless that's him in the third cave, but presumably it isn't because you wouldn't need to keep searching for him if that was the case).

I'm really trying hard to think of something else to say about this very crap game, but I can't. There is nothing else to it. It's so empty it's made me totally depressed. Has anyone got a rope I could borrow, please?



Bo Selecta! Carting - screenshots

DOWNLOAD BoSelectaCarting.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #19
Entry date: 29 June 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Bo Selecta! Carting

by Allen 'Mulder' Doe

Created using BASin (tchoh!) and BMP2SCR (tsk!) - can't any of you lot use a good old real Speccy to write your programs anymore? Can't handle the keywords, eh? Well, utilities can't substitute for talent, as is demonstrated by the loading screen. It's completely rubbish - a straight port from some picture off the internet with a messy/lazy attempt at adding some colour (why is the neck brace red?). There's been no attempt to add the proper title of the game either. Rushed, perhaps?

Still, a licence tie-in with Bo Selecta is bound to open all sorts of possibilities. The opportunity to create a fantastic game jam-packed with all the hilarious catchphrases from this outrageously naughty TV show is just to good to miss, surely? All the characters from the show could make an appearance and there could be all manner of wacky tasks to solve. It ought to be proper bo!

But oh dear oh dear oh dear. It's obvious that Allen programmed the game in his sleep before he'd remotely considered any sort of plot, then decided to add the Bo Selecta tag to hype it up as a total afterthought. Apart from the loading screen, a feeble plot with a mention of "Avid" on the title screen and a swear word on the game over screen, there is absolutely NOTHING to connect the actual game to the TV programme whatsoever!

It's just the usual UDG crap, and the usual gameplay. And I mean usual. All you have to do is steer your cart left and right to mow down the people that appear. Sorry, I mean drive up to the celebrities to collect their autographs. Oh, and avoid the trees. There is no time limit. No moving baddies. No change in speed or difficulty level. No goal to aim for. No way to resist pressing the reset button after 30 seconds play. Deja vu? Just a bit...



Sir Clive Sinclair's Cake Challenge - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SirCliveCakeChallenge.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #20
Entry date: 05 July 2004
Ranking: Joint 9th (4 votes)
Red Star


Sir Clive Sinclair's Cake Challenge

by 'Zoff'

Zoffy is an old hand at the CGC. His speciality is knocking out short, crappy, gimmicky little programs with no more than one feeble pun to be found in most of them combined. And, er, very little else at all. So it's no surprise to find that he presents here, yet again, a classic example of the '"Inky $tring Zofftware" style - the old, predictable, grossly over-used, one-trick-pony, no-win formula disguised as a simple tedious guessing game. Replay value is not what it could be.

The plot (and slight spoiler)... Sir Clive will ask you what cake he is thinking of. Well, there are hundreds of cakes and surely Sir Clive knows of all of them, and then some! But alas, after having a couple of wild guesses, you will notice that Sir Clive seems to have a peculiar preference for one particular type of cake, and no other type at all. Hmmm, notice a pattern emerging? So guess what happens when you try to catch ol' Sir Clive out and attempt to follow his line of thinking...

And, erm, that's it - as frustrating as it gets, due to the high impossibility factor. Sure enough, a quick browse through the pathetic amount of BASIC code (lines 180 and 190 kind of gives it away) reveals that Sir Clive is indeed a total cheating bast! Grrr!

Needless to say, the real Sir Clive has not endorsed this game any more than he would endorse a revolting cubed spongey thing plastered in marzipan. Look out for countless more identical sequels presumably coming soon from Zoffy, such as "Sir Clive's Fruit Challenge" and "Sir Clive's Hat Challenge"... I think you get the picture?



Snuh Challenge - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SnuhChallenge.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #21
Entry date: 06 August 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)


Snuh Challenge

by James Weatherley

It's obscure in-joke time yet again, folks! This game is based on a pointless and infantile comp.sys.sinclair thread cascade that fizzled out about three years ago - here's an example.

Despite the usual minimal amount of BASIC code, there appears to be a couple of fine examples of severely dismal programming glitches. For example, line 1140 says PRINT a$ when it should surely be PRINT b$ - this ruins the effect of the cascade as the Speccy seems to ignore the player's contribution to the thread and instead duplicates its own response twice on the screen. Secondly, the computer's attempt to produce a random response usually results in something looking like a mathematical equation rather than anything like an English word (with an "uh?" bit tagged onto the end, of course).

There are no graphics at all in this game, just plain text. There is also no sound. The author might have at least taken the opportunity to program the game on a ZX81 as the result would have been virtually identical, but ooooh no, the lazy bast instead decided to insult the Speccy's capabilities with this baloney.

I managed to score about 23 points before I got too careless through utter boredom and typed the U-H-? characters in the wrong order. I'll be amazed if anyone out there can beat this score - it would involve playing the game for a whole minute, and 60 seconds really can seem an awfully long time...



Wankity Wank - screenshots

DOWNLOAD WankityWank.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #22
Entry date: 22 August 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Wankity Wank

by Matt 'Jam' Lee

This is presumably Jam's second attempt ever at Spectrum programming, and a predictably inept piece of crap it is too. This game was literally conceptualised and coded within the space of 35 minutes, including breaks. One Monday evening, I made an appeal on #speccy (IRC) for some more entries for the CSSCGC. Just half an hour later, Jam had knocked out this total turd of a game. Check out these relevant highlights of the IRC transcript for proof!

He also churned out the inlay below in record time (and it shows)! As for the game itself, alas it is lacking just a few elements, such as multiple questions, any graphics (the inlay is LYING about the "Actual Spectrum Screenshots", as you perhaps guessed!), any sound and pretty much everything else. There's no sign of Les Dawson either. Nor Terry Wogan. Not even Lily Savage from the TV show's crappiest era! It does, however, contain a cruel but possibly true reference to Lister - which is OK because he'll probably never read this (he has no interest in ZX Spectrums).

The opportunity to fill the Speccy's RAM with thousands of varied questions has been squandered completely. Just one question FFS! One! And why-oh-why is there no Wankity Wank chequebook and pen?! For crying out loud, this is NOTHING LIKE THE GAMESHOW!! It's... crap!

Macsen would have been so proud to have released this one!

Wankity Wank - inlay



Randventure - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Randventure.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #23
Entry date: 23 August 2004
Ranking: 2nd (10 votes)
Silver Star!!

Randventure

by 'Crackfiend'

You can guess what this game does from a glance at the title. Yep, a text adventure that completely ignores what you tell it to do. The responses are random! Ho-ho! I've not seen anything quite like this before! Oh hang on, yes I have...

The game makes excellent use of terrible choice of colour (Dragon 32 style), text that is too yellow and tiny to read, lazy layout and all in all, a gloriously wasted opportunity. There is little variation in the random responses from the computer, it makes no difference what you type (even swear words get no witty responses), so the game rapidly becomes an exercise in hammering the ENTER key as fast as possible and hoping to chance upon the winning message (which probably doesn't exist). More likely to get stuck in a featureless maze though, with no hope of escape except by using the now all-too-familiar reset button.

Bonus marks to Crackfiend for demonstrating that a game doesn't have to be written in BASIC to be crap, and for recycling code and ideas from his previous crap game entries. Bravo!



Speccy CXP - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SpeccyCXP.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #24
Entry date: 23 August 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Speccy CXP

by Rasmus Palbo Nielsen

This was sent to me four months ago but I've only just managed to find someone (ta, Crackfiend) able to convert the non-working snapshot file into a working one. I think the author programmed it in Speccy+3 mode on some obscure strange totally non-compatible-with-anything mobile phone emulator or something, because he said he can't get his PC emulators to work (or something like that).

Anyway, now that's solved, so... this is Rasmus' second plug for his websi... erm... entry to the CSSCGC and it's just as poor and pathetically unoriginal as the first one. So don't worry, the long wait wasn't worth it!

Yep, it's YET ANOTHER BLOODY WINDOWS-OS-ON-A-SPECCY EMULATOR. Yes really! Originality factor ZERO, ZILCH! Honestly, the bloody nerve! And you'll never guess what happens when you "boot-up"... it throws up an error! Hahahahahahahahaha! How on earth did he come up with that incredible idea! Oh my sides! After a few repeated boot-ups and some hilariously unfunny strictly non-random error analysis messages, the computer malfunctions (genius!) and then the grand finale... the author's website is plugged just one more time and the game STOPs, at which point the player will begin to mourn the two minutes of precious life wasted "playing" this.

I think I can safely officially certify this game as crap. Shame it's not a game, but never mind...



Infrinja - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Infrinja.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #25
Entry date: 03 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Infrinja

by Paul Equinox Collins

Here's Eq's second entry this year, and the first one to include a link to his rather excellent website. This is probably because his previous entry was so obscenely rushed in order to be this year's first CGC entry that it didn't even have a title screen to plug it on (or loading screen either). Infrinja is a somewhat more polished effort, but the concept alone is so crapworthy that the whole shebang is guaranteed to crash and burn, regardless of programming efficiency.

It's an evil world out there. Every day, millions of snotty undesirables are breaking the law in the most heinous ways imaginable. Despite piracy being punishable by death in many countries (true), these scumbags continue to surf the high seas of the internet, robbing those who really need the cash. It is an UNDISPUTABLE FACT that every single song downloaded for "free" (spit!) costs shareholde...erm, costs our heroes like Michael Jackson THOUSANDS of lawye.. errr, dollars. And that's all money that he could be passing on to the children! It's time to ELIMINATE these bastards once and for all, heal the world and save it from these music murderers.

Thank the almighty that The Red Cross is here to save the day! Fresh from saving a few million pointless lives in a few war zones, the organisation has now diverted its attention to a far more urgent crisis. You control The Red Cross as they bravely BLOCK the downloads and SAVE the music from being killed. The situation is already clearly desperate, as there appear to be only fifty music tracks left in the whole world! You must not allow a single track to be completely downloaded (not even YMCA) or the consequences would be unimaginable (i.e. the game will end)...

Of course, saving the music industry is a never-ending battle. So, for the sake of realism, the game is naturally never-ending too. Despite the controls being extremely unresponsive (presumably the evil downloading hackers jamming your system), it's piss easy to play (no increase in difficulty throughout) so the only thing preventing you going on forever is that the whole game is UTTERLY TEDIOUS BEYOND BELIEF. I managed to score about 3,000 points before I could stand no more. The most amusement I got was from trying to zap all the crappy pop-tat tracks I hate (e.g. Kylie) and letting the screen fill up with the decent ones like Autechre, Boards Of Canada, Aphex Twin and of course Radiohead (ahem) but the novelty of this was not immense and did not sustain me for long.

To summarise, this is an example of crap gaming at it's finest. Eq has few equals when it comes to the consistently low standards of his CSSCGC entries over the years. Watch and learn, crapsters!



Crap Castle Master - screenshots

DOWNLOAD CrapCastleMaster.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #26
Entry date: 10 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 3rd (8 votes)
Bronze Star!

Crap Castle Master

by Anthony 'Monty Mole' Lycett

Oh oh! This looks ominous - there's that word "Crap" in the title again which usually means it is not going to be crap at all. I mean, look at all those controls! And any game that mimics Castle Master with the fab 3D FreescapeTM move-and-look-in-any-direction effects has just got to be far too good for this competition! Ah well, I suppose I better have a quick play of it before I email the author and tell him to enter it into one of those numerous "good game competitions" instead...

Hmmm, hang on a mo, just waiting for the screen to refresh... erm, it's drawing something slowly, line by line... is that a castle? It's tiny! And completely see-through! It's a pathetic wireframe jobby - where's the shading?! And what on earth is that strange red squiggle over there? OK, I'll just investigate further - let's try forward... eh? "Please wait..."??? Why aren't I moving... tchoh, I think I'll go and make a sandwich...

(3 minutes later...) Back with my sarnie (munch), and I don't appear to have (chomp) moved at all. OK, I'll try moving left... Gah, I have to wait again?... Hurry up!... Come oooooon!.... I've now finished my sandwich and still it hasn't moved!... MOVE DAMN YOU!... ARGH! This is TOTALLY CRAP, goddamnit!... Um.... Yes, it's true, it is actually really crap!... Wow!

I can't understand it - the listing is full of really complex keywords like SGN, COS, SIN and ABS (nobody ever uses stuff like this in the CGC!), it all appears to be so neatly programmed... and yet this game is simply bloody unplayable because the framerate is a consistent 37 frames per hour! Anthony points out that you can set the emulator to run at maximum speed and the game is almost playable, but that's not something you can do on a real Spectrum so don't even think about using that as an excuse! This is just too dire - I'm going to bed...

(Next day...) The author has now sent me a new, faster version (totally ignoring my CSSCGC rule #3 - grr!) which runs at a remarkable 74fph (that's twice as fast!). All he's done is alter the calculations between lines 7140-7190 a bit (I've included both versions so you can compare them, if you can be bothered). At least the game is still crap though. You can still walk through the walls so there's no point in worrying about using the door. The treasure is still invisible (all I can see in that castle is a flagpole!). It still takes approximately 52 days to play from start to finish at normal speed (35 of which are spent walking in a straight line towards that red squiggle that you need to collect - can you guess what it is yet?). The graphics are still rubbish - accurately rendered, but still aesthetically displeasing and crap in every way conceivable.

So to summarise, this game just goes to show that you can still produce totally crap games even if you clearly have the programming skills to do so much better! Anthony hasn't resorted to naff jokes, STOP commands or spelling mistakes - he has simply come up with a stupid concept that clearly wasn't going to work from the outset (i.e. FreescapeTM in BASIC) and lovingly crafted a completely dismal 3D engine to make his nightmare a reality. He's going to do Doom next apparently! I can't, erm... wait...?

(One week later...) Another update, another speed boost - so what the heck, I've chucked it into the zip for those of you that still want to compare them. However, it will be the originally submitted slowest version that will be judged...



Sunset Beach Curse Of The Deschanel Jewels - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SunsetBeachCurseOfTheJewels.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #27
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Sunset Beach Curse Of The Deschanel Jewels

by Chris Young

I should have written this review (and most of the subsequent reviews below) about ten weeks ago but hey, better late than never. The reason this review is so late is because I've spent all those weeks playing this fabulously addictive crap game (and I still haven't completed it)! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I would describe this finely-crafted treasure as a cross between Jet Set Willy and any game from the infamous Cascade Cassette 50. It's a large arcade adventure (a multiload even) with a truckload of identical UDGs, inexcusable bugs and glitches as well as some of the most revolting choices of colours known to man. You will need to do a lot of squinting to get through this game, so please get permission from your local optician before commencing play.

On the face of it, you wouldn't think that a game with such a detailed storyline, countless different screens and a tie-in license with a hugely popular daytime soap would have a hope in hell of winning a crap game compo. After all, Macsen's Eastenders is a wonderful game! However, I think the awful yet strangely compelling Sunset Beach has a good chance of taking the CGC trophy this year, not least because I'm gonna rig the voting system to make sure of it. No, I won't really.



Maze Bot - screenshot

DOWNLOAD MazeBot.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #28
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Maze Bot

by Arjun Nair

For some peculiar reason, although Arjun had already entered Dash It into the CGC (where it certainly belongs), he hadn't entered this Maze Bot game (utility?) which he was proudly hosting on his website as the best Spectrum program of all time (OK, so I'm fibbing just a tad here). I had to break the tragic news to Arjun that Maze Bot is in fact a bug-ridden, utterly pointless and totally crap program and therefore really ought to be in the CGC.

Luckily, Arjun seemed to agree and he has now thankfully entered Maze Bot into the CGC where it can sit proudly amongst its fellow examples of glorious programming failures. If anyone can shed any light as to the use of this program, I'd be glad to hear it.



Jackpot 3 - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Jackpot3.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #29
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Jackpot 3

by Jim Waterman

(Guest crap review by 'Fuzzbucket')

Because Jim, the organiser of this year's compo, is so damn lazy I had to help him out with reviewing some games...

Jackpot 3 is your chance to live the glamourous life of a Las Vegas slot hag, so grab your 20 high-tar cigarettes, your cup of change, your hideously sweet alcoholic beverage and your 'I brake for toy-boys' T-shirt and follow me into... The Jackpot Casino.

The game begins by indicating the jackpots available and quickly shuffles you onto the floor to get gaming. While not the most accurate rendering of a slot machine, the subtly understated graphical environment does suck you in so much that hitting the space bar feels almost like shaking hands with the one-armed bandit.

I played until the horrors of what I had become hit me - another victim of Gamblor! Then I played some more... I was eventually ejected from The Jackpot Casino after going over the house limit and winning a grand total of £6.40.

If you are after a genuine casino atmosphere and incessant beeping that'll give you hypertension then look no further than Jackpot 3.



SPacman - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SPacman.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #30
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


SPacman

by Paul 'Dunny' Dunn and his son Eddie (aged 10 and a half)

(Guest crap review by 'Fuzzbucket')

SPacman is apparently a faithful rendition of a game from the early 80s called Pac Man. Never heard of it myself but I gave it a try anyway.

The protagonist in this piece appears to be a pie chart constantly set upon by the ghosts of his past as a component in a Powerpoint presentation. I think the dots represent the people that were suckered into the pyramid scheme he was involved in and as he makes his way around apologising the dots disappear.

Playability wise the game's performance suffers due to the chosen development language and platform but employing the sort of trickery available with today's computing machines it is a quite enjoyable and frantic romp. I did a bit of a pee on level 3.

If you are committed to enjoying the piece on the original platform I suggest not playing past level 1 as the time taken to render each ghost of the past impinges on SPacman's ability to move smoothly - guilt I guess... Then again, the erratic and unpredictable motion of the ghosts of the past combined with SPacman's crippling guilt can lead to some very tense moments.

All in all an enjoyable offering with a crap factor that keeps you away but a storyline compelling enough to keep you coming back for more. Note SPacman's frustration as he fails to apologise to the last couple of people on screen and hints of his past as he misrepresents the number of lives remaining in later levels.

SPacman is issued under the L BREAK open source license.



DANCEtrumTM - screenshots

DOWNLOAD DANCEtrumTM.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #31
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: 69th (0 votes)


DANCEtrumTM

by Chris Young

*Important Note!* I am NOT an authorised DANCEtrumTM dealer, I am simply distributing illegal pirate versions of this game. Therefore, please stop emailing me about your missing DANCEtrumTM interfaces and mats as it is out of my hands and I have no responsibility for the distribution of these accessories. I suggest you all either contact Unsatisfactory Software directly or keep an eye on eBay as I understand these accessories are sometimes available here, albeit **R@REly**.

I must say, I thought this game was really crap at first, mainly because the author didn't provide me with an official DANCEtrumTM interface and mat so I found it was unplayable. I contacted the author about this matter and he put my mind at ease when he explained that the production of the accessories had just been a tiny bit delayed due to his software company needing a cash injection of half a million pounds within the next week, or something.

After a month, my patience ran out and I sent in the bailiffs whilst the author was away unicycling around an island (imagine that!) but alas, all I managed to retrieve was a single mint DANCEtrumTM interface along with one mat. The interface looks suspiciously like a Kempston interface with wires sticking out and the mat looks like a large coffee-stained tea-towel. However, it seems to do the job. Now I have these essential add-ons, I can see that the gameplay is fantastic and the package as a whole is well worth the forty quid I paid for it!



Super Mario Fruit Machine - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SuperMarioFruitMachine.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #32
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Super Mario Fruit Machine

by Jim Waterman

(Guest crap review by 'deKay')

I've never had so much fun. Not only is there an exact replica of the funk-tastic music from Super Mario Bros 3, to which I spent a good twelve seconds bopping along to, but there is amazing depth to the game itself. I mean, you press Space. Then you press it again! Sometimes you win money, and other times you don't. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW! Probably the best Mario-related Spectrum fruit machine game by far.

I GOT THREE P-WINGS!! BEST!

"Hello? Is that Jim Waterman? You're chuffin' nicked, me old china!" - policeman acting on behalf of Nintendo's Lawyers.



Bong!!! - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Bong.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #33
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Bong!!!

by David 'b00mzi11a' Suzuki-Sanders

I've spent three months trying to work out how the hell to play this so-called 'multiplayer game' and I'm still none the wiser. Don't worry about trying to develop any sort of tactics, it's easier to just repeatedly hit your chosen key and someone may win eventually - not that anyone will care who wins. Alas, simply playing to the end of the game is too much of an ordeal for most people to bother with.

For some obscure reason, the game will frequently claim that 'Everyone has chickened out!'. What it ought to say is 'EVERYONE IS UNDERSTANDABLY COMPLETELY PISS BORED WITH THIS CRAP AND I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED AND SORRY FOR INFLICTING IT ON ALL OF YOU. signed b00mzi11a' as this would be a far more accurate and honest statement.



LiveJournal: The Game - screenshots

DOWNLOAD LiveJournalTheGame.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #34
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


LiveJournal: The Game

by Paul Equinox Collins

(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

Welcome to the murky world of online live journals.... try if you dare.

LiveJournal is like a shortened version of one of these old classic Speccy games Rockstar Ate My Hamster or Football Manager. In this game you have to build up as many friends as you can in 10 weeks by pressing Y for yes or N for no to the online scenarios it asks.

LiveJournal is of an adult nature with swearing, pregnancy, rape and gothic undertones mentioned in most scenarios. The game seems to use the same scenarios but even when you know the correct answer and type yes the bast has changed the answer and you lose, how infuriating and crap.

To be quite honest, there's only 10 scenarios with 2 possible answers and a couple of random answers it could be so on my second ever attempt I did end with 73 friends (hmm more than imaginary friends in real life then). Right, that's enough of that - NEXT??



Homestar*Runner 2 - screenshots

DOWNLOAD HomestarRunner2.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #35
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Homestar*Runner 2

by Ben 'Mustrum Ridcully' Rapier

A sequel to someone else's crap game. How low is that? And an extremely disappointing sequel at that. It all boils down to being nothing more than a guessing game in which you have a 50 percent chance of winning. Exciting stuff, huh?

Erm, no.



TicTacToe - screenshot

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ZX Spectrum Crap Game #36
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


TicTacToe

by 'Zecut0r'

(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

This game needs no introduction, we all know Tic Tac Toe (or Noughts And Crosses to you deprived people out there) and to be honest, it's quite a good version, so why's it in the Crap Game Compo??

Ah, looking at it closer it always puts its circles in the same places everytime, so essentially it's the same go everytime and is utterly crap.

DO NOT READ - *SPOILER* The computer always starts in the same place (A1) so it's always a draw when the computer starts first, but it's easy to beat when you go first. *SPOILER*

(Additional note by Jim L.)

Also worth pointing out that the 'cheating bast' factor is high, as the computer will tend to take another move after the human player has already won the game, and then declare itself the winner if it now has three in a row, before bothering to check if the human has already got three in a row. Disgraceful programming!



Star Destroyer! - screenshots

DOWNLOAD StarDestroyer.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #37
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Star Destroyer!

by 'Fuzzbucket'

(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

When you start you have to wait ages for the planet to be drawn (well done Fuzzy). Once it starts, your + and greater-than/less-than symbols have to fire an arrow up to try and hit the asterisk (such hi-res graphics really do the game justice). There's also the Dolby surround sound of the Speccy beeper going up one beep at a time until you hit the 'enemy' and when you hit something you get a nice BASIC welcome message explaining the program has stopped and you have to type 'RUN' again to restart.

If you really feel masochistic there's also a handy little RZX file to run included in the package which shows you how NOT to play.

Right, I've explained the whole game for you so you don't have to waste precious seconds of your life on this crap game, go and do something more useful like gut rabbits or go puke for a few seconds.

Star Destroyer! - inlay



Granny Parade - screenshots

DOWNLOAD GrannyParade.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #38
Entry date: 14 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Granny Parade

by 'Fuzzbucket'

You must escape from the flickering OAP UDGs that all appear to be trying to escape from you. It's very difficult to actually get caught by the old people as the realistic AI ensures they move about randomly and fail to hinder your quest whatsoever.

Top tip: Simply move to one of the four character squares that the gate intermittently appears over and wait. Chances are you will win! Hoorah! I'm gonna send this little trick off to The Tipshop right away!



Jet Set Willy 2: Super Pre-School Edition - screenshot

DOWNLOAD JSW2SuperPreSchoolEdition.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #39
Entry date: 17 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Jet Set Willy 2: Super Pre-School Edition

by John Elliott

(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

We all know the classics such as Manic Miner, Jet Set Willy and Jet Set Willy 2 which this is loosely based on. Well get that thought out of your head, because this is nothing like the classics we all love and remember. (I beg to differ on that point! J.L.)

It starts off with the familiar Jet Set Willy 2 'Press ENTER to start' screen. Once the game starts (after you've pressed 'ENTER', thickchums) the first thing that hits me is the main sprite, which is smaller than normal and also the speed is upped.

The game map is a lot smaller than the normal versions so even the most inept Jet Set Willy players will be able to get to grips with this version and erm collect all the objects? Get jumping and collect those objects.

(Additional notes by Jim L.)

There are only three rooms accessible in the game, and two of these look rather too familiar. There's also only one object to collect so it's not exactly the most challenging JSW clone you are likely to come across. Piss poor!



Crap Total Eclipse - screenshots

DOWNLOAD CrapTotalEclipse.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #40
Entry date: 17 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Crap Total Eclipse

by Anthony 'Monty Mole' Lycett

Why bother writing a brand new original game for the compo, when you can simply reuse your old code again and again? Yep, it's another FreescrapTM game from the grandmaster of barrel-scraping, Mr Mole.

Still, at least he's made the colours different. The castle is now a pyramid. Plus there's also a small aeroplane on a runway for some reason, although it doesn't do anything at all. Apart from that, the game's much the same - get the key (in the aeroplane) and go into the door of the building. It still takes yonks to move a single step of course, so speed your emulators up to the max unless you want the game to take hours.

Alas, there's also the small matter of a ridiculous time limit in this game, which appears to make it impossible to complete. Everytime I tried, despite going straight for the key, by the time I'd turned to face the entrance it was 'time up'. (Solution: Be a cheating bast. BREAK the program and delete line 150, then RUN it again. Voila, infinite time!)



4K Race (48K Version) - screenshot

DOWNLOAD 4KRace48KVersion.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #41
Entry date: 04 November 2004
Ranking: 5th (7 votes)
Blue Star

4K Race (48K Version)

by Paolo Ferraris

It seems winning the 2004 Minigame Compo isn't good enough for Paolo. Now he's attempting to win the CSSCGC 2004 with the same bloody game! All he's done to the original code (which only ran on a 128K Speccy) is tweaked a tiny little byte or two so that the game is now a complete mess. Quite frankly, this is a despicable thing to do considering the many months of hard work that all the other entrants have put into creating their crap games.

I think Paolo has only entered this piece of rubbish here so that he can promote the original playable 4K Race. What a nerve, eh? I mean, *I* would NEVER stoop to such CHEAP promotional tactics in order to promote, say, my Radiohead game from the CSSCGC 2003 - which somehow only came 2nd, thanks to Woody's damn bloody BASTARD Crap Invaders. Luckily I have got over the bitterness and trauma now, and I no longer hold a grudge. I don't even bring up the subject any more. I mean, it was only a Crap Game Compo, right? It really doesn't matter. I can cope. Why did you have to mention it? Look, just drop it, OK?

Tsk. Now, where was I. Oh yes, 4K Race. Erm, it's crap. Right, that's that. Move along please, nothing more to see here.



Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - screenshots

DOWNLOAD GrandTheftAutoViceCity.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #42
Entry date: 04 November 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

by Allen 'Mulder' Doe

Don't believe the hype! Don't be fooled by the name! It's not what you think it is, warez kiddies! This is a multiload game with three levels (one per load). There is no proper ending, because the author expects people to add their own custom levels after level 3. Alas, I've found I don't quite have the time (or so much as a modicum of enthusiasm) to do this.

You may think the game is a multiload because it's so jam-packed with code, but as usual you'd be wrong. It's because each level is so similar, codewise - the author (using BASin) simply rehashed the same code for each part, tweaking the graphics a little and pretty much sod all else. Lazy!

The gameplay is typical slow UDG crap. The first level is too easy. The second level is nearly impossible. The third level is touch and go, but at least it looks different to the first two levels - boats instead of cars. Oh the variety!



Racing - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Racing.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #43
Entry date: 25 November 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Racing

by Allen 'Mulder' Doe

As if Allen hadn't already rehashed the same code enough with his previous game, here's another game he's knocked out with much the same code and graphics. This time, the game bears a close resemblance to Race Ace (from the Don't Buy This! compilation), except the track is more boring.

It's not too difficult to win because, due to the track being so wide and the complete absence of any other cars to race against, crashing is a very rare occurance - unless you fall asleep at the wheel which is highly likely I suppose.

I discovered it's much more fun to drive through the chequered flag at the bottom and plow mercilessly into the assembled crowd, causing death, mayhem and needless suffering! My highest bodycount score so far is 31. Can anyone beat this?



Advanced Buffoon Simulator - screenshot

DOWNLOAD AdvancedBuffoonSimulator.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #44
Entry date: 25 November 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Advanced Buffoon Simulator

by Anthony 'Monty Mole' Lycett

What's the point in me writing a new review for a game that is virtually identical to a previous CGC entry (i.e. Snuh Challenge)? Just go and read the review for that game (but read 'oon' itstead of 'uh?').

I'll just add that Anthony promised to program a 'Crap Doom', which would've been, erm, interesting - but instead he had the damn nerve to unleash this fodder on us instead. Now, how crap is that?



Super Trivia Quiz - screenshot

DOWNLOAD SuperTriviaQuiz.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #45
Entry date: 25 November 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Super Trivia Quiz

by Graeme 'Matthew The Telephone' Sargall

This is the sort of crap game that the average programmer couldn't imitate. Only someone with a laughable lack of the most basic (BASIC?) of programming skills could dare to enter this.

Just download it, LIST it and weep.



Bo Selecta! Diving - screenshots

DOWNLOAD BoSelectaDiving.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #46
Entry date: 02 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Bo Selecta! Diving

by Allen 'Mulder' Doe

Oh crisps on a bike! Not another idea/code recycle from Mr Doe? Yes, I'm afraid it is. It's pretty much the same game as 'Bo Selecta! Racing' but at least Allen has made a bit more effort to tidy the loading screen this time.

As usual, the connection with the TV programme of the same name is tenuous. You just control a diver (Avid, of course) who has to pick up clams from the seabed (because they have autographs in them, or something). Consequently, most of the screen is a waste of space as the player spends the entire game floating along the bottom. Obviously, Avid's oxygen tank never needs replenishing, as this would have involved having to swim up to the top of the screen occasionally and that would make the gameplay far too absorbing.

Needless to say, it passes the crap test with flying colours.



Spectrum Roulette - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SpectrumRoulette.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #47
Entry date: 03 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)


Spectrum Roulette

by Ian Gledhill

An extremely dull fast-reaction game for people who like squinting. Simply wait for the pixel (bomb) to appear on the screen, then hit a key as fast as possible to diffuse it. As you progress through the rounds, you are given less time to react. But if you fail to diffuse a bomb, then *BOOM* - your Speccy resets itself (a nice touch as this saves the player having to reach for the reset button themselves).

Somehow, I didn't get the feeling I was playing real Russian Roulette. Having the Speccy reset itself is not really a terrible forfeit, compared to playing for real and risking having your brains blown out.

In order to improve things, the author has created a peripheral device - the 'Specgun' - which fires real bullets and thus makes gameplay much more realistic. Unfortunately, Ian is unable to release the Specgun for sale to the public at the moment, as he's currently locked away awaiting trial for the manslaughter of 14 beta-testers. (Fib.)



Saucer Snatch - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SaucerSnatch.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #48
Entry date: 16 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Saucer Snatch

by Ben 'Mustrum Ridcully' Rapier

A nice simple sort-of-playable little game with nice presentation and nothing exceptionally wrong with it. It is possible to progress through quite a few levels, although the random distribution of the good and bad stuff, plus lack of fuel to collect on many levels, means cheatingbast factor comes into play eventually, however good you may be. It also does get a bit dull after 3 or 4 minutes play due to there being only one control key, so that's kinda crap I suppose.

This is the sort of game that CRL would've sold for about nine quid in 1984. In 2004 though, it is not good enough to be sold for nine pence, so I think it passes the crap test...



Space Crap: The Curse Of The Yellow Ball - screenshots

DOWNLOAD SpaceCrapCurseOfYellowBall.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #49
Entry date: 23 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)


Space Crap: The Curse Of The Yellow Ball

by Piti of Papposoft

It may have 'crap' in the title, and it certainly appears to be crap on the surface, but there's actually quite a playable little game to be found here. Too damn playable, frankly! It's not going to keep you entertained for long, but it's fun for five minutes or so.

There's even quite a nice little ending too, if you are sharp enough to shoot 50 of those evil yellow balls that are threatening mankind or whatever it is they're up to. So all in all, a far too polished product to win the CGC, although you'd still feel ripped off if you paid over 17 pence for it.

By the way, Papposoft have a website - although it's a bit C64-orientated (vomit!) so be careful if you visit.

Space Crap: The Curse Of The Yellow Ball - inlay



Pepe Pixels Vs The Evil Lakatrons - screenshots

DOWNLOAD PepePixelsVsTheLakatrons.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #50
Entry date: 23 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 6th (6 votes)
Green Star

Pepe Pixels Vs The Evil Lakatrons

by Enrique González

The loading screen is totally corrupted. How's that for a good start? The game itself pretends to be running on a PC but it didn't fool me. The gameplay consists of pressing the SPACE bar once within approximately 30 seconds, or the ridiculously slow lakatron will finally reach you and kill you. Do this about six times (not difficult really, is it?) and you get to cheat (with a 'poke manager') and thus win.

A couple of nice ending screens to be discovered here. But the game itself is total trash and that's the important thing.



Mega Fruit Machine - screenshots

DOWNLOAD MegaFruitMachine.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #51
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Mega Fruit Machine

by Ian MacIntyre

Would someone please kindly explain to Mr MacIntyre what a fruit machine actually is, before he goes and writes a totally crap and ill-informed game based on one (or something)?

Damn, too late...



keywORd ATtack - screenshots

DOWNLOAD keywORdATtack.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #52
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


keywORd ATtack

by Paul Equinox Collins

This is about as fun as doing school homework. Not much good on an emulator either, as modern-day PCs do not tend to have Spectrum keywords printed on the keyboard.

Although these keywords, erm, keywORds are supposed to be atta... er, ATtacking the player, they seem rather docile to me. In fact, they don't do anything but sit there on the screen whilst a timer counts down. Con!



Nihilism - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Nihilism.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #53
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Nihilism

by Piti of Papposoft

It's very difficult to review a game when there's sod all content to review. But I'll try anyway.

Nope, it's no good. I can't do it.



Tsunami Wave Simulator - screenshots

DOWNLOAD TsunamiWaveSimulator.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #54
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Tsunami Wave Simulator

by Derek Talbot (Insensitive Software)

I feel rather uncomfortable about including this tasteless topical little effort that was sent to me on New Year's Day. However, it's not for me to censor it (cough!) so here it is for all of you to pour scorn over.

Please send your hate mail, death threats etc on to me and I will forward them on to the author. Do please ensure that you have actually played the game before complaining, as this will help you to know exactly what you are complaining about.

Tsk, I dunno. What next? Perhaps a member of the Royal Family dressing up as a nazi? (Hmmm, now there's an idea for a crap game...) Aaaanyway, moving very swiftly on...

Tsunami Wave Simulator - inlay



BEEPing! - screenshot

DOWNLOAD BEEPing.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #55
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


BEEPing!

by Piti of Papposoft

Piti is trying to increase his chances of winning the competition by entering lots of crap games at once. Alas, they are all simply too, erm, minimal and lazy to justify inclusion. However, I'm too lazy to exclude them, so here they are.

The first of this pathetic batch is a lacklustre effort to say the least. The player must guess the tone of the Speccy's BEEP, ranging from -30 to +30. Clues are not exactly plentiful. Fun is not to be found here in excessive quantities. Graphics are, erm, not either. Crap.



Non Crap Ultra - screenshot

DOWNLOAD NonCrapUltra.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #56
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Non Crap Ultra

by Piti of Papposoft

OI! PITI! NO!



Grand Duke Solitaire - screenshots

DOWNLOAD GrandDukeSolitaire.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #57
Entry date: 31 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 13th (3 votes)


Grand Duke Solitaire

by Richard Bos

Ignore the fact this is supposed to be a card game. It could quite easily just play itself, as the player only ever gets literally one choice to make. There's no consequences at all in pressing the wrong key. Soon after commencing play, I discovered that it's much quicker to just keep repeatedly hitting the T key to turn the next card, as this is usually the only option available.

Eventually, pressing the T key gets the response 'you must move'. This indicates you have a card you can use, so it won't let you turn any more. The only key now that gets a response is the M key. You then have to tell the computer which of the four suits to put the card on (S, H, D, C). Don't worry about getting it wrong, because there's only one suit you can choose - the correct one. If you press the key of the wrong suit, it tells you you can't put it on that pile. Therefore, simply press all four keys in a random order and you can't go wrong. Once in a while, you cannot move OR turn, you have to press D to turn the deck. Such amazing interaction!

So to recap, this means you can play the game without paying attention at all, as follows...
1) Press T repeatedly.
2) When the computer says 'You must move!', press M, followed by S, H, D, C (in any order) or simply look at the second digit on your card, as this is the key that you must press.
3) Once in a blue moon, you cannot turn or move, this means it's time to press the D key to turn the deck.
4) Repeat from step 1.

In a sense, this is just like the real card game, in that no decisions ever need to be made - winning is pure luck. But at least with real cards, the player has to pay attention to what he/she is doing in order to play the game properly! As an interactive computer game, it's a 100% POINTLESS KEY PRESSING EXERCISE!

Still, at least the author has compensated for this by including some stunningly beautiful graphi... oh no hang on, he hasn't. It looks shit. Green background, black or red text - that's it. Also, input responses from the Speccy tend to be messily left behind on the screen, causing confusion (or would do if anyone actually bothered trying to play the game properly).

Bonus marks for incorporating a completely useless scrolly message that contains nothing but the title of the game. That's classy crap, that.



Nuns And Crucifixes - screenshots

DOWNLOAD NunsAndCrucifixes.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #58
Entry date: 31 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Nuns And Crucifixes

by Ben 'Mustrum Ridcully' Rapier

There's something familiar about this game, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Anyway, it's nice to have something original and different entered into the CGC, what with all the ridiculous number of annoying Noughts And Crosses clones I've had to put up with lately that have been driving me to the point of madness.

This is a nice religious strategic puzzle game that will keep you coming back for more. You will never get bored of it. What's more, it's a two player game only (I can only assume it would have been impossible to program the advanced AI required for the computer to be able to play against a human). Why not invite some friends over and have a 'Nuns and Crucifixes' championship? This is the new Chess for a new generation! It's more mindbending than the Rubik's Cube! How the author has managed to come up with the concept of this masterful work, I can only imagine. Simply astounding originality. Perfection.

I lie, of course.



Streakapong - screenshots

DOWNLOAD Streakapong.zip

ZX Spectrum Crap Game #59
Entry date: 31 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 6th (6 votes)
Green Star

Streakapong

by Jim Langmead

Quite simply a work of pure genius. What more is there to say? :)



Clive - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Clive.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #01
Entry date: 31 July 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)



Clive

by André '***' Baune

Rejoice! At last, a ZX81 entry! A few weeks ago, André sent me a game daftly titled ZXOKO-BAN which turned out to be far too good for the crap games compo, so I (zxoko-)BAN-ned it (ho-ho-ho-ho-ho... tchoh, please yerselves ya basts!). But now, after many weeks of studying the fine art of crap programming, André has finally managed to produce a shockingly lacklustre effort which qualifies as a very crap game for many reasons far too numerous to bother listing here. Oh, what the heck...

*** This program completely rips off the "Cake Challenge" crap game recently produced by Zoffy (compare the screenshots), except it doesn't have the single joke in it. It has no jokes at all. It is totally devoid of any form of humour or wit whatsoever.

*** Despite the program content being almost non-existent, André has managed to get his name to appear on-screen no less than three times during the course of play. Hmm, I wonder how many mirrors he has at home?

*** Complete lack of player interaction. You can either press ENTER repeatedly to get Clive (who, for reasons unexplained, seems to have lost his knighthood) to reel off a list of four, yes, four of his own infamous home computers in a non-random order, inexplicably followed by the name of the author (who clearly has spent many nanoseconds dreaming up some really fascinating, witty, innovative things for Clive to say here) - OR you can press Q to quit to the credits, which includes the name of the author again (just in case we've forgotten who he is), as well as the name of the person who coded the Clive picture that the author, erm, borrowed (which just happens to be the only part of the code that would've taken more than five minutes to write).

*** No sound or colour at all. That's hardly ground breaking, is it? Where's the digitalised speech via rapid tape clicking (or something)? Bah.

Despite inflicting this atrocity upon us all, Andre*** does have a smashing website with new ZX81 games galore (and they are jolly good ones too). So visit it now!



Advanced Horseshoe Magnet Simulator - screenshot

DOWNLOAD AdvancedHorseshoeMagnetSim.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #02
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Advanced Horseshoe Magnet Simulator

by Jim Waterman

Hmm, I could swear I've seen one or two similar games to this entered into previous CGCs. Come to think of it, this game is almost identical to 24.364% of all the crap games ever made!

Luckily, this is a ZX81 game so the fact that it's a heaping pile of unoriginal repetitive tosh will go largely unnoticed as 97.376% of ZX81 games are identical to this and 98.265% of ZX81 users don't care.



Crap Castle Master (ZX81 Version) - screenshots

DOWNLOAD CrapCastleMasterZX81.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #03
Entry date: 11 October 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Crap Castle Master (ZX81 Version)

by Anthony 'Monty Mole' Lycett

(Guest crap review by 'mel the bell')

After a very long wait and pressing any button you are confronted by a mess....erm i mean a castle, not a bad drawing of a castle as the ZX81 goes. You move forwards towards the castle slooooowwwly. You find the door, enter and................you'll have to find out for yourself.

The game updates after each keypress slowly but I suppose it is optimised since the heyday of ZX81 gaming to be as cutting edge as possible. Still it is an achievement in ZX81 programming getting a large classic Spectrum game such as Castle Master to run at all even if it is crap. Fire up your emulator and enjoy the experience.

And beware, as the games author admits himself - "Yes, you won't see the last of this franchise. Expect the present and future Crap Game Compo to be flooded with a barrage of clones, sequels, imitations, remakes, and rip-offs!"
Be scared, very very scared.



Catch That Probe - screenshot

DOWNLOAD CatchThatProbe.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #04
Entry date: 02 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Catch That Probe

by John Elliott

In September 2004, a NASA capsule return to earth having caught lots of lovely solar particles. Hollywood helicopter stunt pilots were on-hand to catch this plummeting probe on the end of a fishing line and lower it safely to the earth, thus protecting the fragile cargo for the scientists. Alas, it didn't quite go according to plan (details here).

The NASA boffins launched an investigation, but were still baffled as to what caused the crash many weeks later. Then, thankfully, John Elliott came to the rescue by programming this remarkable simulation of the probe's return to Earth, using a powerful ZX81 computer. The scientists at NASA used this program to accurately reconstruct the mishap, and soon found the cause of the failure. Conclusion: The bloody helicopter should've gone down then left, not up then right. Duh!

Now that NASA have solved their puzzle and finished with the program, Mr Elliott has kindly sent it to the CGC so we can all enjoy recreating that special event. May we be forever grateful.



BEEPing! (ZX81 Version) - screenshot

DOWNLOAD BEEPingZX81.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #05
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


BEEPing! (ZX81 Version)

by Piti of Papposoft

This game is the same as the Speccy version, except of course you can't hear the sounds. So it's a number guessing game with no clues. No graphics at all. It's not very fun.

Piti is clearly the 'throwaway effort' king. No, that's not something to be proud of. Tsk.



Tamagotchi 81 - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Tamagotchi81.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #06
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Tamagotchi 81

by Piti of Papposoft

Probably the most boring interactive cyberpet in existence. The poor little blocky creature has nothing to do but move around aimlessly within a very small space. It cannot sleep, talk, eat or do anything at all, apart from move around a bit. Oh, and it doesn't interact with you. At all.

Yet somehow I feel empathy towards this poor creature. I mean, how would you like to be stuck in a ZX81 for life? No, not a nice thought, is it?



The Monkey Experiment - screenshot

DOWNLOAD TheMonkeyExperiment.zip

ZX81 Crap Game #07
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


The Monkey Experiment

by Piti of Papposoft

To prove beyond doubt that the theory that a billion monkeys with typewriters would type the complete works of Shakespear (or something) is total bollocks.

In this program, your ZX81 plays the role of one monkey, and a very slow typing monkey at that. This computer monkey seems to like using the shift key a lot, judging by the disproportionate number of symbols it spews out.

Unfortunately, the resulting output is more like that of a very complex mathematical equation than anything remotely like English prose, so the experiment fails. Completely.



Noughts And Crosses - screenshot

DOWNLOAD NoughtsAndCrosses.zip

ZX80 Crap Game #01
Entry date: 22 September 2004
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Noughts And Crosses

by Jim Waterman

Tsk! Just because this program runs on a ZX80, that's no excuse for it to be this dire. A remarkably uninspired two-player-only game that is about as original as a not-very-original thing.

I trust I don't need to explain the rules to anyone? Good. Next!



Time Machine Simulator - screenshots

DOWNLOAD TimeMachineSimulator.zip

ZX80 Crap Game #02
Entry date: 17 January 2005
Ranking: Joint 36th (1 vote)


Time Machine Simulator

by Piti of Papposoft

There's something lacking in this program. I feel somewhat let down. Replay value is not what it could be.

Programming this on a ZX80 is no excuse. There is no sense of time travel to be gained from this game, due to lack of any sort of gameplay. This makes it very difficult to write any sort of review, because there's pretty much bugger all there to review. Another dismal effort from Piti - he really ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself by now. Even Papposoft have disowned him. Probably.



Scandal - screenshot

DOWNLOAD Scandal.zip

Sinclair PC200 Crap Game #01
Entry date: 23 December 2004
Ranking: Joint 20th (2 votes)


Scandal

by John Elliott

I'm allowing this game entry because it is for a Sinclair computer (just about) and it is crap. It's not worthy of any sort of review though. So ner.




Total number of crap games :
69 (59 for Spectrum, 7 for ZX81, 2 for ZX80 and 1 for PC200)
Last updated :
01 March 2005 --- Website (C)2004-2005 J.I.Langmead
All games are the copyright of their respective authors, for what it's worth.
Valid HTML 4.01! ZX Certified webmaster Valid CSS!
You can email me here...
pearcynospam@gmail.com - remove 'nospam' from the address

Oh, and here's a modest little link to my Speccy Spoilers home page.
(Lots of lovely Speccy game endings...)


(Note to newbies: You will need ZX Spectrum and ZX81/ZX80 emulators to play these games on your PC...)

Want more crap games? Are you mad? Oh, you are. OK, here's some links to the previous CSSCGC websites...
CSSCGC 2003 | CSSCGC 2002 | CSSCGC 2001 | CSSCGC 2000
Crap Game Finder (includes CSSCGC 1996-1999 archives)

...and if you're really desperate, there's also some C64(spit!)CGC websites you may like to investigate...
C64CGC 2005 | C64CGC 2004 | C64CGC 2001 | C64CGC 1999


This is the end... byeeeee