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We now go to tonight's episode of the bizarre Pwin Teaks.... Agent Darrel Sinclair-Hooper has told his companion that he has solved the mystery...
That's right. I know who killed Paula Talmer. I dreamed I was in a room surrounded by small black computers. They were making this strange noise.
Uh huh? What noise was that Agent Hooper?
Ah! Damn fine cafe. Pity the coffee is stinking. However, they were making a noise like [room falls silent as Hooper raises his hand] BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-BEEP!
Weird. What else?
Oops.. Sorry, we have to cut to another sub-plot with some attractive female in it, with some weird yet strangely funky music in the background
[doo-dee-doo-dee-dumdum... Cuts back to the cafe]
Ah, we're back.. I'd like you to meet my boss. He's the top guy in the FBI. He's deaf, blind and mad. Oh, and he can't act at all. In fact, he's in it for no other reason than he's the writer of this show
We're on a show?
Yes, but don't let that worry you. Now, back to my dream. The Dog Lady was there. She said "my dog saw something". Humouring the old dear, I asked her what it saw. She said "ask it". I then had her sent down for a stretch in the mental institution with a lobotomy for good measure.
And?
Hmm? Oh yeah, well - the giant appeared, and said that the owls were not what they seemed. He was right too. One of them was in fact a large cat holding a bunch of feathers in a feeble attempt to avoid getting sent to the vet to have its fun bits removed. Unfortunately, I mis-heard the giant. Thought he said "my bowels are not what they've been", and spent the rest of the time keeping up-wind from him.
Oh. Right. Listen, I have to go ermm, do something
Not until I've finished telling you about my dream. Then this dwarf comes up to me and starts talking backwards. Turns out he was actually this albanian tourist who had learned english on a faulty tape recorder, and thought that was how it was meant to sound.
Wow, that's [yawn] rivetting. What did he say?
He asked me the way to the swimming pool. I then woke up.
Hmm.. Fascinating. Listen, I REALLY have to...
But listen... In the bathroom, I was washing my face and I looked up. I saw an exact double of me. I swear to God, everything I did, this evil doppleganger did the same.
Uh huh? And I don't suppose it entered into your warped mind that you were looking in a mirror?
Oh. That might explain why he vanished when I moved away from the sink.
Right, that's it.. I've had enough of this.. Every time we come in here for a coffee, you start spouting all this crap about dreams.
But.. But, I KNOW who killed Paula Talmer! My deam told me... The computers. They had the word SINCLAIR written on them.. I killed her! Oops. I've rather dropped myself in it..
Hmm. Quite.. Except for one minor detail - She's not dead. Now, can we go please? We both know the only reason you come in here is to ogle the waitress.
Oh. Sorry.
Tune in next week for the next episode!